The Multi-Tasking Momma |

It Comes in Waves

September 15, 2016 By Jen Leave a Comment

The pain and the emotions from losing a parent comes in waves. It has been three and a half weeks since my mommy went to heaven. I felt ok last week and didn’t think about it as often because I stayed busy. This week? It has been as hard this week as the day we said goodbye to her and put her in the ground. My aunt described what I feel perfectly. It’s as if she has been on vacation the past few weeks and now is the time when I would talk to her; yet I can’t. So then it becomes even more real, I just can’t talk to her at all. Well, I can talk to her but I can’t hear her sweet voice back. I think it has finally sank in this week, in the pit of my stomach, in all of my brain and it’s been very hard. All I want to do is lock myself in a bathroom and cry until I can’t anymore, and I would have to go into a bathroom because as soon as my kids see one tear fall down my cheek they start crying too. I want them to know its ok to feel this, it’s ok to be sad but gosh it breaks my heart to see them cry.

This week it all started at work on Tuesday. I am teaching a 3-year-old class this year with a sweet woman Miss Kellie. We have 12 three-year olds and half of them have never been to preschool before so they ask for mommy and daddy a lot during the day. There’s this one girl in my class and she had a rough time the first week. She’s had much better days lately. Well, on Tuesday I was sitting at the table with her playing with puzzles. I looked at her with her beautiful smile and told her “your mommy is going to be so proud of you!” She looked back at me and pointed while saying “well, I think you mom is so proud of you!” I found myself staring into space for a minute picturing my mom. Then I started missing her all over again and wanted to just lay down and cry. I wish I could touch her and hear her voice so bad it physically and mentally hurts me more than you’ll ever know. I need her to tell me it’s going to be ok, I just need her so bad right now.

My littles are supposed to go three days a week this year. Tuesday’s, Wednesday’s and Thursday’s. I’m off on Wednesdays so I can have “me time”. Well today I just kept them home. I ended up crying all night last night and just didn’t want to move when I woke up this morning. So I told the babies we would stay home and have fun. I did the usual; laundry, dishes, filled orders for my etsy shop and ect. Trying to take my mind off of it but I found myself wanting to break down all.day.long. Then I finally sat down on the couch with the twins to put our new photos in our photo album. I order 85 prints a month from the app Freeprints and this is a thing we all like to do together. I had forgotten that I ordered more up to date photos this past time and most of them included my dear mom. I saw her face on those pictures and the tears just rolled down. I couldn’t control them like I usually can, it was like I just needed to cry. I kept looking through the photos thinking I am never going to take another photo of her again, I’m never going to see her again, or touch and hear her. It just all hit me like a damn tidal wave. The twins then joined in with me saying they wanted their moomoo and they missed her so bad. So what was a bonding moment turned into a crying cuddle session. I think we all needed it. I know I did. I’m usually good about holding back the emotions but it has just been different this week. I can’t control them. Maybe next week will be a better week.

I pray that you never feel the pain of losing your mom or dad at such a young age. Those of you who have, I am so sorry. This pain is indescribable. It hurts, it is destroying me. It’s so unfair and I hate every second of this. I thank god for my kids because they along with my husband keep me going.

I know a lot of people are tired of hearing my hurt and my anger on here and my Instagram. Just bare with me, pray for me and my family. If you have already just know that I am truly appreciative for everything. I am ready to get back blogging for things I love to do. Like crafts with my babies, recipes and more. But for now, please just bare with me and pray for me. Love to you all.

Bye MooMoo

September 7, 2016 By Jen Leave a Comment

I haven’t brought myself to actually post this yet. I keep going over and over it and for some reason I just couldn’t do it until now. I really dont want to do it but I want to remember how I felt, I want my kids to know how loved their moomoo was.

My sweet mother went to be with God at 12 on Sunday August 21st. I had been debating going up there all morning and right when I had decided to go my dad called me with that news. It hit me like a bag of bricks. Even though we had been expecting it, it had happened. She was gone and the fact that I would never see her again or hear her voice made it hard to catch my breath. I still can’t understand why this happened to her. She was the best. Just one amazing women that anyone would have been in the presence of true happiness when meeting.

After my dad told me the news, I knew it was time to tell the kids. I just needed to do it. Matt was fishing that day and as much as I wanted to tell him, I didnt have the heart to call and tell him the news until after his weigh in. My husband loved that woman as much as I did and I knew it would’ve affected him and ruin his day. I wanted him to be able to have fun with his dad before I told him the news. I felt like I needed to do it by myself with my babies. I sat them down and I was already crying. They knew something was wrong. I cry often a lot lately and whenever I cry, they cry which is why it’s very hard to let all my emotions out. I hate hurting them. I literally have the most feeling children in the world. I told them I needed to talk to them about something. I turned off the tv and we all sat on the couch together. They simply asked me “whats wrong momma?” I then told them “Y’all know how moomoo was really sick? Well, she went to heaven earlier and we won’t be able to see her anymore but we can still talk to her as much as we want”. They lost it, I lost it. They started screaming saying they wanted their moomoo. I just held them and they held me while we all cried. Then Jocelynn looked at me and said “Does this mean you won’t have a mom anymore?” I replied “Yes, baby. But I know she’ll always love me and I will always love her”. I started bawling again because Jocelynn said she was so sad for me. We sat there longer and continued to cry, then we prayed to God and then to moomoo. After about an hour I made them realize its not a bad thing. As much as we will miss moomoo, we are glad she is out of pain and cancer free. She is living her life but in heaven now and one day we will see her again. They got better throughout the rest of the day but me? Not so much.

My mom was my best friend. I have said it on here so many times but she was. She was also the best mom in the world. I wish I could talk to her right now because she would tell me everything is going to be ok. I have a couple voicemail on my phone from her and I wish I could put them on here, it just shows how selfless she was. One of them is right after she was diagnosed with cancer. She was calling me to check on me and see how I was doing, after SHE had been diagnosed. Like I said selfless. I listened to them the week she went to heaven but haven’t been able to since, I am just not stable enough to listen to them right now. As much as I want to.

That Thursday night we had a visitation where family and friends could come pay respects to us. There wasn’t a body because mom didn’t want that. We had discussed all of that previously and she just wanted people to come and be happy instead of sad. Which definitely didn’t happen because it was very hard. It was so hard seeing everyone from our past, when we were kids and moms past. It was just extremely hard. Talk about a loved woman, there was so many people who came to pay their respects. I could not believe how many people showed up. I made a video collage of pictures of mom for that night. Talk about difficult. I just ended up crying that entire day. When we got home I just loved on the babies, they sure do make everything better.

I thought I was better on Friday morning but when we got to the grave site I was wrong. It bothered me tremendously that my mom was in that casket. A box about to go in the ground. It just made it so surreal and I panicked. I felt like my heart was going to come out of my chest it was beating so hard and the tears started to roll. It hit me in a very intense way that day that she was never going to be in my life again. In my children’s life again. Never will I hear that beautiful contagious laugh one more time, or be able to call her when I didn’t have anything to talk about. That hit me. My sweet daddy did the service by himself. He did an amazing job and held it together. I couldn’t believe how well he did, he spoke very kind words of her and told a story I didn’t even know about my mom and it made all of us feel good. He told us that when they lived in Houston he would come home from work to find mom making huge pots of soup. She told him she was going to take it down to the homeless. He got mad, he got frustrated because it was dangerous and it was a lot of money. But as usual mom got her way, so he drove her. Mom took huge pots of soup to some street (I can’t remember but dad said it) and handed out bowls of soup to these homeless people. The police pulled up and told her she cant do that and she replied “Well, who’s going to take care of these people? I am not leaving”. That was mom. I love her so much and always will. I’m going to miss her like crazy and selfishly want her back but on my selfless side I do know she’s cancer free and out of pain.

I love you momma, I hope you are rejoicing with the Lord and feeling great living in a beautiful place.

A Goodbye, before the Goodbye

August 17, 2016 By Jen Leave a Comment

Never did I think I would ever be saying goodbye to my mom at such a young age. Which I don’t think at any age its easy losing a parent. There comes a point though where if you’ve watched them suffer and are in so much pain, you become selfless and want God to take them instead of wishing them more pain just so they can stay around. That is where I am at. Yes, it sucks. It fucking sucks more than you’ll ever know, unless you’ve lost a parent and know the feeling. I want my mom. I want my best friend. I want to do so much with that woman but we can’t. Not anymore. Its time for her to go to her home where she will live a happy, pain free life the rest of her life and we will see her again one day. It will be the best day ever when we do. No my mom isn’t gone yet but its evident it won’t be too much longer.

As of Sunday her kidneys were starting to fail. Once they fail her other organs will but I will tell you this, that woman even fights to die. She amazes me. Most people half her age couldn’t have gone through what she has and still be a live right now. Her heart and lungs are as strong as ever. Its sad watching this slow process because I know she is ready but me and her are able to laugh about it too because what else are you going to do? The amount of pain medicine she takes would put me in a coma for sure but I am so glad she is FINALLY comfortable. We’ve had a lot of problems with pain medicine and nurses and we’ve finally found a way to keep her out of pain during this and that makes me so happy. It makes her very happy too. She is able to tolerate everyone visiting and her grandkids running around making a racket now. That’s all she wanted.

I have been visiting her for short amount of times this past week. With sick babies and work starting I can’t stay all day. I would sit there all day with her though if I could and if she wanted me to. She tells me to go take care of my family just like she would and I respect her so much for that. We have laughed so much in the past week, we’ve cried even more and also just sat while holding hands. Can I just tell you right now how funny my mom is? Even on her death-bed she finds a way to make me laugh which makes me cry, and then she’ll stop my crying by making me laugh again. It can be the most stupid thing in the world, like her body making the weirdest noises right now and us not knowing what it is, she looks at me like what the hell is that? I look back at her and we burst in a crying laughter. Like I said the most amazing woman I know. I hope I am just like her, I will live my life to be as wonderful and giving as she always has been.

I’m not saying Goodbye (although the post title states otherwise). I am saying “Until I see you again”. I know that for sure. I can’t say Goodbye. Not to my mom, I won’t do it.

Mom,

You are the most selfless person I have ever had the honor of knowing. You give to people even when you should be the one who’s given to. You are the best mom in the world. I remember doing so much as a child, you took us everywhere. Even to Disney World all by yourself, multiple times with 3 kids. I don’t know how you did it. You were strict but you were also my best friend. You were the one I came to when I liked a boy, when a boy broke my heart and when I finally met the one I knew I would spend the rest of my life with, I came to you to tell you everything. Your beauty is inside and out, you are a beautiful woman. You shine and you’ve always been a light in my eye. One that I hope to achieve to be just like. I love that we developed an even closer bond as I became an adult. You are my best friend, my only friend I know I can count on when needed. When Maddie was born you and her developed a special relationship. Mom, she is just like you. I look at her and her happiness is contagious. Just like you. I am so thankful you and Maddie were able to develop that bond, and recently you and Jocelynn have gotten very close. I see your compassion for people and your love to give in her. She is going to miss you dearly and its going to be hard, but know I will do everything in my power to make her know you. Not to forget how loving, caring and giving you were and most of all how much you love her. I love you with all of my heart momma. It is ok to go, we are fine. I know you love hearing that. That’s one thing that drove you crazy was whenever I said “I’m fine”. Your response was always “fine isn’t a feeling!!” But we are or we will be. Its going to be hard and I dread every single day after but I am so unbelievably thankful for having a mom like you. Thankful for even knowing someone like you in my lifetime. I love you more than life mom. Until I see you again…..

p.s – (from Jocelynn) If you can, throw the ball for Roxanne a couple of times and tell her we will see her again too.

The Vanzant’s Summer

August 15, 2016 By Jen Leave a Comment

I would say, besides everything that has been going on with my mom, that this summer has been our best. We have had so much fun as a family and have done plenty of things. I want to share with you everything we’ve enjoyed doing this summer!

Lord knows we do plenty of fishing around here. Preferably bass fishing but we also love to bream and catfish. The kids have grown up doing this with us and they love it as much as we do, if not more. JP even goes down to the water in the backyard in the evenings, BY HIMSELF, and fishes off the bank. He has even caught a really good one all by himself while Matt was cutting the grass. It is adorable watching them develop a hobby that we love just as much.

We purchased a pontoon in the spring time and I would say its the best thing we’ve ever bought, by a long shot. We have used it every single weekend. Between skiing, tubing or just riding we all love and enjoy every minute of being on the pontoon with our friends and family.

The twins love helping daddy drive. JP is amazing when he drives. He already knows where everything on the water is, he knows where pawpaws is, beeswax, our home and most of our friends. He also knows he is supposed to not have a wake when he goes under the cedar creek bridge so Matt lets him do it himself. He will be driving full blast and pull back on the throttle when he gets near the bridge. Its hilarious. That boy is quite amazing.

One of my favorite things is to see my babies watching me ski. Or if I am in the boat to see all of these little booties in the seat.

We’ve also been to a creek to float down it. Maybe not float, more like push all of the kids in the boat because the creek was too shallow. It was hilarious. But fun am what a beautiful sight it was.

We celebrated our daddy’s 32nd birthday! The kids love any celebration but especially if it involves their daddy!

We went on a family trip to the beach, we’ve spent a whole lot of time with my mom. Its been a great summer and I would do not do one thing to change it. It was perfect!!

Fuck Cancer

July 29, 2016 By Jen Leave a Comment

The post title pretty much explains it all. FUCK CANCER. It is horrible and I hate it.

When we went to the beach for July 4th my mom was in a lot of pain. Her stomach was protruding in one spot and we thought maybe it was the mass? She ended up going back home Tuesday evening and at hospital in Birmingham by Wednesday. They found fluid on her abdomen which was the protruding spot we had noticed. They drained 3.4 liters one day and 3.6 the next. Thought she might be able to get some relief from this but the next thing we found out caused just the opposite for us all.

Her cancer has grown. Multiplied by 10. The liquid thats forming is what happens to cancer/chemo patients in the end stages (most of the time). I just couldn’t believe it. The doc got back from being out of town to read her results and give a prognosis. He let us know she probably has 6-8 weeks left. There’s no need for chemo anymore, just spend time with your family. My mom has been on chemo for almost a year now and I can honestly say I wish she would have never done it. It is not a way of life at all. She’s been so very sick ever since she started. I know she’s sick partly because of the cancer too but maybe if she didn’t do the chemo we would have been able to enjoy her a little more instead of a little longer. I feel terrible for my mom. She wants to be out of pain and its something we are having a very hard time giving her. From having to switch pain meds because of insurance so she can get on Hospice, theres a lot of things involved and never did I know how hard insurance/hospitals and so on make it so hard to die. Its quite the biggest bull shit I have ever seen in my entire life. She is now on Hospice (started last Friday) thank goodness. Yes, I know what hospice means but my mom needs this. We need a nurse with us to tell us the steps, it is called being prepared and not having to worry about the end when it happens. No, it doesn’t mean I am ready to lose my mom, but I am a grown up and I know what has to happen. I will never be ready to lose my mom. I don’t know what I will do with myself. I think about it often because it is inevitable but will never mean I am ready.

My mom on the other hand? She might just be ready. She is in so much pain. She is tired of it. She knows what all of this means. There are days where we get the lucid her and she cries because she doesn’t want to leave all of us, especially her grand babies. She is not scared though. I think there comes a time when a person is in so much pain it lessons the fear. The fear of dying and creates a comfort of being comfortable. Out of pain, with God, where we belong in the end. I hate this. I hate that I am blogging about this, I hate that we have to talk about all of this, I hate it all. I am not ready to lose my best friend and while I might hate it all, I definitely don’t want my best friend, my mom, to be in pain. I want her to be out of pain because she’s miserable and thats what she wants most of all.

Monday, I dropped the kids off with Matt’s Nanny and was able to go do some of her laundry and get groceries. It was really important to me to let her know how great of a mom she is. Y’all, she is the best. She is the best mom I have ever known. Would do anything for her kids to make them happy even if it meant jumping on the trampoline when she weighed 250 lbs. She is selfless. I aspire to be just like her. She was lucid that day and I was able to tell her just how I felt. I told her I love her, she’s the best mom anyone could ever have and I was ok with everything but I was going to miss her. I just needed her to know. The funny thing is she knows all of those things; like I said she’s amazing.

So the wait begins now. I guess you could call it that? The wait for God to come get my mom so she can be pain free. This is the hardest thing I think any of us have ever/ will ever do in our lives. Please pray for my mom, Kellie Aycock. Please pray for our family, and the children. Thank you all for your support during this time.

Beach Trip 2016

July 20, 2016 By Jen Leave a Comment

We went to the beach a couple of weeks ago for the fourth of July! We stayed at the Azure on Okaloosa Island, FL. We love it there!

We had talked about going to Gulf Shores this year but the Azure is my moms absolute favorite place and we wanted her to have a good time so the Azure it was! We headed out that Saturday morning so we could get there asap and start enjoying the sand, sun and water. My dad rode with us because we knew it would take my mom and brother a while to get going. She has painful nights so sleeps late during the day. This was our first real trip in the suburban and lets just say we packed it down! I love this car, or bus.

I drove the entire way until we were 5 minutes away from the condo, then dad wanted to the ole burb out.

We went swimming shortly after we got there and walked down to the beach to get in the ocean. The kids loved the ocean as much as me and matt do. It was a little rough (the waves) but our kids were not afraid. I had been working very hard with them on swimming a couple of weeks before we headed to the beach. They impressed me, we didn’t even make them wear their puddle jumpers half the time and they were not scared. They did amazing. And yes, we were right beside them the entire time. No, I would not put my child’s life at risk, but thanks for asking.

We did a ton of stuff. We ate at Fudpucker’s on the Island one night where the kids got to hold on alligator and JP won 500 tickets in the arcade! We rode Go Karts, kiddie rides and played more arcade games another night, we laid on the beach all day long one day and acted like your average tourist the next visiting the Gulfarium, getting ice cream and shopping. I got to stay up with my mom at night and eat ice cream while watching movies. I loved that I got some time with my momma, and uninterrupted time at that. We all got to spend time together and that’s the most important thing right now, making memories for our babies, for my mom and for the rest of us.

The day of the 4th was probably the most fun! We rented a pontoon for the day! We got there around 8 am and didn’t have to bring it back until 6 that evening! We already know how much the kids like a pontoon (if you follow me on IG you’ll see) so we knew we would have a blast!

We cruised, ate, and searched for dolphins! There are a ton of smaller islands out in the bay so we beached the pontoon on one and explored. It was so much fun. We searched for seashells, sea life and took pictures.

Maddie’s Blaze 3rd Birthday Party!

June 21, 2016 By Jen Leave a Comment

Finally blogging about my sweet girls 3rd birthday party. She had a blast, we had a blast, the guests had a blast. It was a good time.

We rented a room at Let’s Play in Birmingham. April is kind of an iffy month on rain, cold or sunshine here in bama so we went with the safe route and did an inside party. It was wonderful. All I had to do was send out the invitations, make a photo slide show on a USB drive, get a cake, and bring the party girl there. Simple and smart.

On our way to her birthday party we stopped at my mom’s house and she got her birthday gift from them! It was a little ride on that looks just like a monster truck. AKA Blaze from Blaze and the monster machines because that child loves her some Blaze. She was so happy when she saw it, she just laughed and smiled so big. It made my momma heart melt just a little bit.

Maddie played with her new toy for a while and then it was time to go to her party!!

We had to fill out the little waivers, bring the cupcakes in and ect. We waited on most guests to arrive to show them what to do (where to put shoes, gifts and sign waivers). My dad was with us so he and Maddie went ahead in the play area to start playing! We got an hour of playtime before the “party” started. During that hour Maddie had a very special guest dance with her on the dance floor! ELSA!! I wish everyone would’ve witnessed the face on my little girl when she saw Elsa. It made my day and made having her party here so worth it. While Maddie and the kids there for her birthday party had a dance party on the dance floor, the Let’s Play staff played a slide show of Maddie pictures from birth until now on the wall! It was so cool!

After lots of playing everyone went into the party room! We enjoyed Papa John’s pizza (HOLY YUM) and cupcakes shortly after. Then my Maddie Rae opened her gifts!! She loved all of this attention on her, I was so happy for her.

One thing Maddie has been asking for was a T-Rex. She got it from our dear friends and words can’t describe how happy that girl was. She screamed “MY T-REX!!!!” Everyone started laughing. This girl can brighten up any room in seconds. She is so special.

She had a great birthday party and loved every minute of it. I did too.

I can’t believe our little oops baby is 3! She doesn’t know she’s 3, she thinks she is 4. She acts like it too but she’ll always be mommy’s little girl. We thank God each and every day for giving her to us. We feel incredibly blessed to have such an amazingly happy beautiful and healthy child. Hope you remember how much mommy and daddy love you, Maddie Rae. Always will.

And you know she just had to sleep with her T-Rex that night. She told us “He’s very tired, and cute. He wants to cuddle me”. Well, of course he does!!

Wednesday’s Wacky Randoms

June 3, 2016 By Jen Leave a Comment

You know what is wacky? That it is June. We are halfway through the year and I can count on one hand (ok maybe not, I’m not sure) how many times I have blogged. We have had a lot go on in the past few months and I need to catch up on it so I figured why not make it another catchup post with a little bit of wack. Life can get a bit wacky sometimes but whats the fun in life if you don’t have a little bit of wackiness going on. Maybe one day soon I will get back on track but I am not making promises anymore. You know whats even more wacky than anything, I started this post on Tuesday to post on Wednesday. It is not Wednesday, it is Friday, that’s pretty freaking funny. I figured I would leave the title as is because it made me laugh.

Let’s get to it, shall we?

I have had a lot of stomach issues in the past year. All of the meds I take effect my stomach in a bad way. Well, I have had this one very distinct pain for a little over a year now and I didn’t do anything about it because every time I go to the doctor, they tell me it’s noting because the pain was on my left side. It usually goes away after 12 or so hours so I just deal with it now. Well at the beginning of May, I woke up to that certain pain again. I went to work hoping it would go away. Turns out it didn’t go away, in fact it more excruciating as the day went on. Matt fishes on Tuesday nights, it was my luck my pain fell on this day; NOT. I was having a hard enough time as it was to get the kids bathed, fed and to bed. All I wanted to do was go to the hospital, I knew something was different this time. I got my sweet babies to bed and sat down under my heating blanket and ate a small dinner. I started feeling sweaty, cold and hot at the same time, just sick. It was around 8:30 and I decided to go get in bed. Really hoping by the time I woke up it the pain would be gone. I ended up throwing up shortly after and was so exhausted I just tried to sleep and would tell Matt the next morning how bad I was hurting. Thank God he ended up having an off day that next day and took me to the hospital. My pain was so intense the next day I couldn’t handle it anymore. Instead of having to deal with the trouble of emergency rooms my gyno said she would see me. I honestly didn’t know what it was, because the pain was so intense and everywhere. She said she thought it was my appendix so she called her friend who just happens to be a general surgeon and he got my in right away. My sweet gyno’s nurse wheeled me through the hospital to him and Matt walked a long side of me. The general surgeon sent me to CT which showed I did in fact have appendicitis. It hadn’t ruptured yet, thank goodness. I couldn’t imagine the pain people are in when it does rupture because holy shiz that hurt. After a long day of going from doctor to doctor, being in excruciating pain and getting checked into the hospital, I finally got some pain medicine at 8 o’clock. Yup, I am a champion. The kids were with my sister most of the day and she took them to my mom’s house for them to spend the night. JP was in heaven because all he has ever wanted to do is spend the night with his Uncle Matt! The next morning I had my appendix taken out and was on my way home by 11. I got to say, I forgot how bad surgery hurt. Thank goodness for my husband those days, when we got home he put me in bed, shut the door and let me rest. He had to go back to work on Friday and I was by myself with the kids but they were really great at understanding mommy was in pain and needed to rest. They played by themselves most of the day, I was so impressed. My aunt Jane did stop by and brought us food and even washed my dishes! I could have cried it’s not often something like that happens. I am feeling so much better now and my stomach has rarely hurt! Its been so nice not to feel that pain anymore!

I hadn’t barely eaten in 2 days, so after they got antibiotics and pain meds in me, I was starving. Matt went to longhorns and got all the fixins!!

This post is way out-of-order but oh well. I am just trying to remember everything that has happened. My baby girl turned THREE on April 8th! We had her party that next weekend at Let’s Play in Birmingham. She had the best time ever. The party was so easy, all we brought were cupcakes and the birthday girl. They made the party very easy and organized with lots of pressure off of us. I’ll do an entire blog post on it soon but I wanted to share this picture when Elsa arrived at her party! She was in heaven!

We got my mom out on the pontoon a few weeks ago! My dad came too and the kids were so excited to have their moomoo there to ride and enjoy a wonderful day on the lake.

I recently cut all of my kid’s hair very short. JP got his annual buzz cut and asked me to do it even shorter when I was done with it. I know its got to feel good to him when it is so hot outside. Maddie’s hair is so fine and straight and falls right in her eyes. I even tried training her bangs a while back for days in a row, using every product I own with lots of bobby pins and still just fell flat in her face! So instead of it looking like a mullet I figured I would chop it off and cut it into a bob. It looks so freaking cute!! Jocelynn wanted hers short after that so I chopped hers off too! Jocelynn’s hair was beautiful long but I didn’t want to look back and ask myself “why didn’t I explore with their hair?” Guess what? She loves her hair!! I am so glad I have babies that are willing to have a little change in their life. After all, it is just hair and will grow back.

Have I mentioned before how much my children LOVE their uncle matt?!? Like, completely obsessed, crazy in love with him. It makes me so happy they love him so much. Uncle Matt and JP have a special bond. They are actually a lot alike too. They throw the baseball together, play games together, and play hide and seek. They are freaking adorable. One of their favorite things to do is lay in bed with him and watch movies!!

Speaking of special relationships, Matt took JP to a Thursday night tournament! JP, his daddy and pawpaw fished together and JP was in complete heaven. They came in 2nd but it’s as good as 1st place to JP.

My mother’s day was terrific. Besides not being able to see my own mom it was pretty perfect. I wasn’t able to see my mom because she was having a horrible day and didn’t want anyone to see her. When she says that I know she doesn’t feel good so I respected her and decided not to annoy her. We went out the pontoon with friends! We got lots of sun, fished and rode! It was perfect, everyday is perfect as long as I get to spend it with the ones I love.

I have a few more things to catch up on and I’ll let that be the end because this is taking longer than I thought.

We sold Marsha, our dalmatian. It was a hard decision but we had to because she was a little rough with the kids. A little more rough than we wanted her to be and she kept running away even after we got ash invisible fence. We are going to go back to the breed we know and love and thats a labrodor retriever. It might be because we all miss Roxanne so much but I think we made the right decision. And the family that bought Marsha from us is wonderful. They have a male and will mate them in the future! They loved one another at first sight, it was pretty cute.
Our home is FOR SALE!! Yup, we recently put a bid in on a home we fell madly in love with and now have a contract on it! We have until August to sell our house but we are so excited!! Cant wait to make all of our dreams come true and make some amazing memories!
My mom has taken a turn for the worse. She is not doing good. AT ALL. We all know it. It is just different lately. Her stomach is hurting her more and she says she is a different type of tired. We are hoping to get a CT scheduled very ,very soon to see if this chemo is working at all. If not, we will go from there and decided what to do next but I’m scared. I haven’t been scared up until now. Like the actual scared feeling of really losing her. I cant tell you how much I love my mom, its impossible. No I will not be ok, but who would be? I am so scared, and nervous and have a lot of anxiety going on for her. I cant even imagine how she feels though. She has got to be terrified. She tries to be brave in front of us all we do the same but its clear on how scared everyone is. Please say a prayer for her if you pray, my family and I would appreciate it so much.

Goodbye Roxanne

April 8, 2016 By Jen Leave a Comment

The morning of March 29th around 1am our baby girl passed away. She has been fighting diabetes since well we don’t know how long but we found out she had sever diabetes back in November. Since then we give her two shots a day of vetsulin. The weekend before she got really sick we got very busy and I didn’t realize we were out of her medicine. Then I ended up getting a virus and couldn’t get out of bed for an entire day. I wanted to get her more asap but the vet office was closed thanks to the holiday weekend. So she went three days before I could get her to a vet and by then she had declined so quickly I knew it would be hard to save her. I took her anyways and they tried their best but she just didn’t have the fight in her. I loved that baby girl so much. Hell she was like one of our kids before we even had kids. She was our first baby girl. Roxanne was by far the best dog there ever was. She was loving, she slept with me and matt every single night of her life, she was gentle with our kids, loved our babies so much, loved to swim and fetch all day long, and more. She was just the best and I know its all my fault we lost her. The vets office and a friend tells me if she got that bad that quick it was coming. They tried to make me feel better but I know without a doubt she would probably still be here if it wasn’t for my mistake. I have to live with that for the rest of my life and I already have for two weeks and it is killing me.

Dear Roxanne,

My baby. You will never know how truly sad we are to lose you. You were apart of this family. Mommy is so sorry I let you down. I know you will forgive me because you never stayed mad for too long, as long as I would love on you. You brought so much joy to our life these past 10 years and it is going to be so hard to keep going without you. I pray that you weren’t in any pain when you passed. I know you were very sick and there’s nothing we could have done but I want you to know baby that we tried our very best. I miss you so much already and find myself not sleeping very well without you warming up my feet. You gave me security. Last Friday was the first night I have had to sleep without you and your daddy and I ended up not sleeping and crying all night long. You have left such an unbelievable huge hole in my heart. It will never be filled again because I am leaving that spot for you. There is no other dog, friend or family member that could ever take your place. You were my world and thank you for letting us be yours. We buried you in the backyard down by the lake where you loved to lay at and get some sunshine in between breaks of swimming and fetching your balls and sticks. I feel so blessed to have had you in our life. Thank you for letting us love you and you love us back. You are already missed and will never be forgotten my sweet girl. I hope you are out of pain right now and running as fast as you can after balls and swimming in lakes without getting tired. I love you Roxanne, I cant say it enough. Goodbye baby girl, Rest in peace my sweetheart.

Roxanne Vanzant Queen 2/14/2006-3/29/2016

Easter 2016

April 1, 2016 By Jen Leave a Comment

This Easter… not my cup of tea. I started out the weekend with a stomach virus and then it just seemed to keep going downhill from there. I am wondering if we are ever going to experience good news, decent news or have a day where we haven’t cried soon. And this is coming from a very happy person. It has just been hard, damn its been hard and I don’t do hard very well. Does anyone, though?

Early Sunday morning I woke up running to the bathroom. Of course, the stomach virus found its first victim of our family finally. I was beginning to wonder when it would. I am grateful that it was me. I felt horrible that day. Matt fished a tournament and I laid down all day in bed. Nanny came and got all three babies from me and took them to an easter egg hunt. I was very thankful to her for that because I just wanted to sleep. I went and picked them up a little later and stopped and got my some ginger ale to see if I could drink anything. I started feeling a little better when we got home but I still just wanted to lay down. I didn’t want the kids to get it so I let them play in the den while I stayed in my bed. My dad and brother thankfully showed up around 3:30 to help me out. They had dropped mom off at the hospital to get some IV fluids and nauseous medicine. Matt got home later on too and all of them played with the babies for a while. I was feeling a little better by the time night rolled around. I mean us moms really have to kick these things in the face and make it go away, huh? I tried. I knew I needed to setup for Easter morning and get their baskets out so I got in the bath (which made me feel tremendously better) and helped lay the kids down with Matt so we could setup their goodies.

There’s been a few things I have really been wanting to get the babies and I used this Easter as an excuse to get it for them. I am so glad I did because they loved everything they got! I just had to get those sock’em bumper boppers. I have been wanting to get those forever because they look hilarious. They also each got an easel. I love these things and they ended up being on sale the week before Easter so it worked out! And of course their baskets with lots of yummy candy!

We woke up Sunday morning to a very sick Roxanne. She had been throwing up and looked pitiful. It was clear her diabetes were getting the best of her and she had gone without insulin for a few days. It is all of my fault. I was too busy with my mom and then I got sick and completely forgot to get her insulin. Yup, you don’t have to tell me, Im an awful person. Roxanne is my baby girl and I really let her down. She started losing weight really quickly starting at the beginning of last week and I am just wondering if she was declining before this weekend. She was peeing all over the house and using number 2 also and that’s not like her at all. No I am not trying to make excuses for myself because I know what I did was horrible but she wasn’t doing good before this.

The kids got up and immediately went to their baskets and gifts. They loved them! After breakfast we had to setup the easels and blow up the boppers. Oh.my.gosh the bopper fights were awesome. These things are made out of some bad ass vinyl too. We are going to use them in the water and snow this year, if they last that long. The easels were a huge hit too. They loved painting moo-moo a picture for us to taker her on Easter. We wanted to cheer my mom up and make her feel better. She started a new type of chemo last week and it is kicking her little behind. Its an 8 hour infusion of 3 different chemos’. Lets just say she was still feeling side effects by Sunday.

When we got to my moms, I gave her a huge hug and just started bawling. My mom looked at me and said “Do I look that bad?” She cracks me up. She didn’t look bad, I just needed to cry. For some reason my mom brings out the tears. I told her I was just worried about her and worried about Roxanne.

My moms high school friend, Laurie, was there. I have never met her and I was so excited I finally got to meet her. She was in my parents wedding and I have heard so many stories about her and my mom. She loves my mom very much and it was just a good day. A good day of crying, planning, reminiscing, laughing and more crying. It was for sure a nasty day though. It was rainy and cold and yuck. I felt horrible because we didn’t do an egg hunt for the babies but I don’t think they minded too much after I showed them the bubble guns I had. The bubble guns I forgot to put in their baskets that morning and just decided to bring them to moo-moos with us instead.

It might not have been the best Easter with all the good food and egg hunts and blah blah but it was a pretty good one since we got to spend it with my mom and all of the people we love. We even ate at Applebee’s for lunch instead of cooking which took a lot of pressure off of all of us and the kids thought it was awesome. They love eating at restaurants hah!

We got home later that night and Roxanne was even worse. It was just a horrible night and I checked on her every hour. I just wanted her to make it through the night so I could take her to the vet first thing in the morning.

She made it through the night. I woke the kids up bright and early and took everyone to the car. I was praying the whole way for Roxanne to just pull through this. It was horrible seeing her in that much pain. We got there and they told me they were going to do everything in their power to help her. I told them to do whatever they needed to and I didn’t care, I just wanted my baby girl.